If an averagely healthy person is having a bad day, it's not that big of a deal to borrow spoons from the next day, one can always sleep in or make it up along the way. But if you have a chronic condition, you can't really make it up along the way. Every spoon is precious. You dole them out like morsels of bread to starving captives. And a flare up can set you back seveveral months worth of spoons. Just putting on socks during a bad bout of morning stiffness can take a drawer-full. And this flare-up period can last weeks or months, sometimes even years. This cycle can tornado into a spoon deficit faster than you can say Toto and Dorothy. I'm borrowing spoons now from different lifetimes, and using their vapors to do things like bedtime stories and cutting grapes in half (so Mei Mei won't choke). Organize a closet? Vacuum the stairs? Cook a meal to be proud of? Ha. Ha. And ha! In your dreams sister…So, when there's no spoons left but the virtual kind, what do you do?
Only recently have I found enough energy to goose up a little mojo and actually write this blog entry. "So where," I ask myself, "have I gotten the spoons for this luxury?"
My slight energy upturn isn't from the foods I'm eating (or not eating) or how much acupuncture or massage I'm getting - not to discount these things at all. I just haven't been doing them lately. I simply haven't had enough spoons to shop outside my neighborhood, or make appointments, or budget for treatments. I think, I think, maybe that my blip of an improvement is from a little prayer I started to say again at night with my big girl. After a six month hiatus I resurrected it one night very recently…
Holy Mother-Father God thank you for filling my heart, my mind and my body with Love. Thank you for helping me see Goodness and Light in myself and in everyone I meet. Thank you for guiding me on the path of Love every day. Amen. Blessings on my sleep.
Simple right? But when I said these words again for the first time in months, I felt a definite trill of resonance. It was as if I had been missing this crucial piece of my day and hadn't realized it. For the sake of my daughter, I had said a prayer by rote every night for years. And consequently, I was also setting the tone for my own life. When I stopped abruptly stopped this blessing, my life went off-kilter. This prayer was pushing the virtual reset button on my spoon inventory every evening and without it my spoons were dwindling rapidly. Ergo, my energy level plummeted, my pain level sky-rocketed and everything in my life went dull. Impatient and on edge, I wasn't enjoying my girls, my husband, my friends. I realize now how imperative it is for me to mindfully set my intention on a regular basis. Even now I can visualize the spoons upon spoons set out on a white table cloth, an infinite smorgasbord of them completely at my disposal.
So I pull up this virtual chair, tuck the virtual napkin under my virtual collar and dig in.